You be the judge: should my friend stop expecting gratitude for splitting a freebie? | Life and style

The prosecution: Rita

The way he presents it makes me feel as though I’m being a burden or that I now owe him something

My housemate Gary recently got a free ticket to a festival through his job. It’s one we’d both talked about wanting to attend, but money is tight for me at the moment, so buying a full-priced ticket wasn’t an option.

When Gary told me he’d got the free ticket, I suggested we could buy a second one and split the cost. That way we’d each be paying half price and would both get to go.

At first Gary’s view was that the ticket had been given to him through his work, so it was his to use as he wished, which is obviously true. He also said that if he’d had to pay full price, he might not have gone at all, so the free ticket was simply a lucky perk.

Since then Gary has agreed to my suggestion. However, he has framed it as a significant favour. His exact wording was: “I am making myself pay for something that was free for me so you can benefit.” I think this is a selfish mindset. He joked that I was being oversensitive, but I don’t agree.

Gary said that by agreeing to split the cost he is spending money he otherwise wouldn’t. I do appreciate that, but this is the only way I could attend. He invited me knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go otherwise.

He doesn’t have anyone else to go with, so he is gaining a festival friend. However, the way he presents it makes me feel as though I’m being a burden or that I now owe him something. It’s reached the point where I almost don’t want to go any more.

Gary thinks I’m being silly and should just be grateful that he’s agreed to the compromise. I feel that, while gratitude is appropriate, constantly emphasising the sacrifice takes some of the enjoyment out of the gesture, and now I’m not sure I want to go at all.

We have lived together for three years, but never dated, despite what some of our wider friendship group think. My best friend said this disagreement is like a marital tiff, but personally I wouldn’t want a husband who counts every penny.

The defence: Gary

I’m now paying when I didn’t have to – calling it a favour is simply stating a fact

The festival is something we both wanted to attend, but the ticket was given to me and is worth £100. My first thought was that if Rita wanted to come, she would need to buy her own ticket. I didn’t feel that receiving something for free automatically created a responsibility to share it.

But after talking it through I could see where Rita was coming from and I’m now happy to do it. She explained that money is tight for her at the moment and that by buying a second ticket and paying £50 each we’d both get to attend for half the normal price. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good compromise. I don’t have anyone to go with otherwise, so I’ll buy a second ticket and we’ll split the cost.

What I don’t understand is why Rita now seems upset about the arrangement. She says I’m holding it over her because I pointed out that I’m doing her a favour. But from my perspective that is simply a statement of fact. Had I done nothing, it would have been less enjoyable attending the festival without her, but it would have been free.

By agreeing to this arrangement, I’m choosing to spend money I otherwise wouldn’t have spent. That doesn’t mean I expect endless gratitude or that I plan to bring it up repeatedly, but it does seem fair to acknowledge that I have made a concession of sorts.

I completely understand that Rita appreciates the gesture, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to recognise that I’ve compromised, too. To me, that’s how friendships work: sometimes one person gives a little, sometimes the other does.

We haven’t really argued about money before. We split bills evenly, although I earn more in my music role than Rita does in her freelance artist career, so I chip in more for cleaning products now and again. I don’t think I’m wrong to point out that by buying a second ticket and splitting it, I’m doing Rita a favour.

The jury of Guardian readers

Gary is being ungracious in the extreme. Rita is already expressing her gratitude and it’s not a one-sided deal: he’s benefiting from her company, so this is a win-win situation for them. He should accept that she’s grateful and leave it there, otherwise the hot ticket may turn into a damp squib.
Sally, 58

Gary got his ticket as a work perk – he didn’t have to pay anything and could have gone by himself, but he agreed to fork out the money so Rita could go. He is doing Rita a favour and it’s completely fair for both parties to acknowledge this.
Ciera, 29

It’s true that Gary is doing Rita a favour, but she is also doing one for him by going with him. If money is tight for Rita, he shouldn’t draw attention to it. She is grateful, and they shouldn’t let this ruin the fun for them.
Sofie, 20

Gary has been decent enough to split the cost of a ticket for Rita and he has done her a massive favour. If that’s too much of a burden for Rita, then simply don’t go. I suspect that once they are at the festival it will all be forgotten.
Carolyn, 71

Gary is doing Rita a favour and deserves a bit of recognition. It’s often tricky when close friends have unequal finances. I find it’s best when gifts are offered rather than requested though – the richer friend paying for more rounds of drinks or buying both the tickets occasionally.
Rich, 45

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Gary be more gracious about going halves?

The poll closes on Wednesday 15 July at 9am BST

Last week’s results

We asked if Debbie should stop leaving piles of her hair and nails around the flat she shares with her boyfriend.

93% of you said yes – Debbie is guilty

7% of you said no – Debbie is not guilty