You be the judge: should my girlfriend stop buying so many flowers? | Life and style

The prosecution: Damien

Flowers are a fleeting gesture. Why not buy plants that last years instead?

Flowers are pretty, but they don’t last. Three days and they are half dead. I am not anti-floral, but I don’t get Tolu’s obsession. She buys flowers every week, from wherever she sees a good offer – the stalls near us, the supermarket or petrol station. Because she often buys discounted flowers, they start wilting and dying really quickly.

Tolu loves flowers on her birthday – or any other occasion, really. She will head to a friend’s barbecue with a bouquet instead of a bottle, which I don’t get. She says: “But they’re just so pretty.” I think there are better ways to show your love. A plant lasts much longer and a bottle of wine can be enjoyed among friends.

If I don’t get Tolu flowers on her birthday, she sulks. Last year, I took her out to a fancy restaurant but she still said “No flowers?” as if the rest of the gesture was insignificant without them.

I do make more of an effort to buy her flowers now I know how much they mean to her, but I still don’t really get it. She wants flowers to prove how much I love her, but I show her every day in gestures like cooking dinner or de-icing her car in winter. Gestures that mean something, not objects that die quickly.

Her favourites are peonies and dahlias, but these aren’t cheap. We’ve been living together for 16 months and I realised that flowers would be an important fixture straight away. Tolu wants to sign herself up to a weekly flower delivery service using our joint account, but I don’t know if it’s a good use of our money.

I want us to use that money on more plants. These are gifts that keep giving, whereas flowers are the opposite. Plants last months or even years, they improve air quality and can become something you genuinely care about. Every time you water one, you’re reminded of the person who gave it to you.

Flowers are a fleeting gesture and once they are plonked in a vase, it’s a quick road to death. I find the concept of them quite depressing if I’m honest, whereas plants are a lasting investment. Why buy a week of beauty when you could invest in years?

The defence: Tolu

Things don’t have to last for years to be worth having – flowers are beautiful and I love them

Flowers don’t last for ever, but it’s morbid to say they’re a “quick road to death”. I don’t agree. If anything, they remind us to live for now. Yes, their beauty is fleeting, but they give so much when they are here.

If I signed up to a weekly delivery service, the problem of wilting flowers would lessen as I’d be getting us fresh flowers at a discount. I’m conscious of money, so I get the discounted ones when I see them. Damien knows that I use my own money for those, but he is less keen for me to use our joint account for house flowers even though he would benefit from their presence. If I used the delivery service, there would be fewer wilting petals and less mess as they’d stay fresher for longer – he can’t complain about that.

Our differing tastes were apparent the week we moved in together. Damien didn’t see the value in spending £15 on a bouquet while we were still unpacking; I said it was to brighten the place up until we had decided on a colour scheme and furniture.

Not everything in a home has to justify its existence by staying there for years. Some things are just allowed to be beautiful while they’re here.

I also think Damien could buy flowers for me sometimes. Some girls expect them every week, but I’m buying them myself. I don’t believe in entrenched gender roles but flowers from my partner now and again would be nice. Flowers maketh the man.

For the birthday without flowers, I wasn’t sulky, just shocked. I thought: “Some peonies or roses would just be the cherry on top of this day.” It’s what they represent in terms of romance. It’s a small gesture but it would have shown that he cares, especially as he knows how much I love them.

Growing up, money was tight so my parents never bought things like dahlias. I love flowers in big vases around me – it feels luxurious, like I can finally enjoy the things I want. Damien thinks in terms of longevity, efficiency and value per week, but I don’t think everything can be measured that way.

The jury of Guardian readers

Come on, Damien, stop being so serious and unromantic! The world is a nicer place with flowers in it – and I’m sure your home and relationship would be, too, if you splashed out on a bunch occasionally. It’s time to wake up and smell the roses.
Ana Paula, 31

Tolu, it was just rude to complain “no flowers?” when you were being treated on your birthday. I’m with Damien: cutting down blooms in their prime and watching them die is depressing, as well as a waste of money.
Rick, 33

Flowers clearly bring Tolu joy, but a weekly subscription is expensive. Damien is right that plants are much more long lasting. Perhaps they should have a monthly budget for flowers and plants, and split it between them.
Jendayi, 40

Tolu’s joy in flowers is part of who she is, her love language, and it shouldn’t be crushed. But subscription services are pricey, so either Tolu could pay for these herself, or Damien could have a subscription of the same value each week for something he loves.
Wendy, 53

I’m sorry to be a killjoy but signing up to a weekly flower delivery service is a real extravagance that shouldn’t be entertained by serious people. I’d also hope Tolu seeks out locally grown blooms rather than choosing varieties that are air-freighted halfway across the world. I’m with Damien – beauty isn’t everything.
Sydney, 43

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Tolu nip this in the bud?

The poll closes on Wednesday 22 July at 9am BST

Last week’s results

We asked if Gary should go halves on a full-price festival ticket with his flatmate Rita, having already got a free one through work.

49% of you said yes – Gary is guilty

51% of you said no – Gary is not guilty