‘A sense of trusting one’s self’: how to start building confidence | Well actually

When I was in middle school, my father told me 80% of how people see you is how you see yourself. This was terrible news at the time, because I was deep in the depths of puberty, self-loathing and figuring out how to part my hair.

Though he pulled that number out of thin air, in the intervening years I’ve found he was on to something – projecting confidence can sometimes be the key to success, professionally and personally. But how does one actually cultivate confidence? And what if our understanding of what confidence is skewed?

“Confidence is so often this thing we think we’re going to arrive at,” says Claire Fountain, licensed therapist and writer. We often tell ourselves we will feel confident once we accomplish a certain goal or look a certain way, she explains, but true confidence is not dependent on outside factors; it’s “a sense of trusting one’s self”, Fountain says.

If you struggle with confidence, you’re in good company. Just remember it doesn’t have to be forever. “We can change our beliefs about ourselves,” says Fountain.

What is confidence?

Although the two terms are often lumped together, confidence is not the same thing as self-esteem.

“Self-esteem is an evaluation of self-worth,” says Dr Kristin Neff, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin; it is one’s estimation of themselves as a good or bad person.

Confidence, on the other hand, is the belief that one can get things done and accomplish their goals. In psychological literature, this is often referred to as “self-efficacy”, Neff says.

In short, self-esteem is our belief about who we are, and confidence is our belief about what we can do.

Fountain describes confidence as a feeling of groundedness. Even if things go poorly, she says, “We can feel like, I’m OK.”

Why is confidence important?

Confidence is extremely important for one’s overall wellbeing, says Dr Mia Smith-Bynum, professor and chair of the department of family science at the University of Maryland. It helps one trust that “you can take care of yourself, manage your life affairs, build social relationships”, she says. “The things that make you know who you are as a human.”

By contrast, a lack of confidence can prevent us from trying new things or going after what we want, and limit how fully we can live our lives. For example, “you may not try the things you’re interested in, you may not go to a social event you cared about because you didn’t want to be seen, you may not have the conversations that you need to have,” says Fountain.

Confidence can also be valuable for those around us. Too often, Fountain adds, confidence gets tangled up with cockiness and ego, but that tends to be a way of overcompensating for a lack of self-efficacy. True, grounded confidence can help put others at ease.

“So much of confidence is self-acceptance,” Fountain says, that is, also accepting our shortcomings. “When you accept yourself, it’s so much easier for other people to feel like they can accept themselves and be themselves as well,” Fountain says.

How do you build confidence?

First, identify reasons you might not feel confident. Experts point to the fact that there are whole industries built on undermining people’s confidence and then trying to sell them products to make them feel better.

“Confidence is so often sold as a cure-all – if you love yourself, everything will be better,” says Fountain. But this individualistic approach ignores the societal and structural injustices that many people face, especially those in marginalized communities, she explains.

Smith-Bynum says one way she reminds herself of this is reading memoirs. “There are amazing stories of resilience from people who are famous and everyday folks,” she says. “These help people remember that the moments of doubt, the crises of confidence we have, are pretty normal.”

Find community

Contrary to popular belief, confidence is not a solo endeavor. “You’ve got to find affirming spaces to remind you of your humanity and celebrate your uniqueness,” says Smith-Bynum. “So much creativity comes out of community.”

Question your self-doubting beliefs

“Negative self-talk can get really loud and overshadow the moments we feel good about ourselves,” says Fountain.

She points to a therapeutic tool called resourcing, which is identifying one’s strengths, as well as facts that undermine your self-critical beliefs.

“You may have a belief that you’re not good enough, but you recently got a promotion, or you’ve had a job for 15 years, or you have a successful home and family – so that belief is not true,” she says.

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is being a good, supportive friend to yourself, explains Neff. It’s also more closely linked to self-efficacy, more so than self-esteem is.

“If you have high self-esteem, you might feel confident, but then what happens if you fail?” she says.

To practice self-compassion, Neff suggests talking to yourself like you would a friend. When facing a difficult situation or task, ask yourself what you need and how you can support yourself. And if you stumble or fail, take it easy on yourself.

“If you fail, it’s OK, people fail,” Neff says. True confidence, she explains, is not tied to the outcome of a situation, but rather one’s willingness to get up and try again. “That’s what predicts grit.”

Neff also says that studies have shown placing our hands on ourselves can calm the nervous system and help the body feel safe. “Just putting your hand on your heart can be a real confidence booster,” she says.

Do what scares you – but take baby steps

“Confidence is quite action-oriented,” says Fountain.

She suggests setting small goals that help you feel more confident about whatever it is that scares you. Maybe you get extremely insecure about talking to new people – if so, you could set a goal of asking the barista how their day is going.

“Experiences really help rewire our brains to say, oh, I can do that,” Fountain says.

Practice resilience

Maybe you won’t accomplish all of your goals. Remember that’s OK.

“True, healthy confidence comes from a stretch of adversity,” says Smith-Bynum. Every time we are able to struggle, self-reflect and figure out a way forward, we grow.