You be the judge: my partner doesn’t like me telling him he has food in his beard. Should I stop? | Life and style

The prosecution: Annabel

I don’t want to get his food on my face when I kiss him, and I don’t want him looking silly in public

Teddy has always had a medium-length beard, which I like. But I feel it’s my duty as his partner to gently remind him when he has food in his beard, whether we are out or at home, to avoid people thinking he is auditioning to play a character in Roald Dahl’s The Twits.

Cakes and sandwich crumbs can gather in his beard, as well as dangling grains of rice. Eggs are the worst offenders for me – I find egg on anyone’s face gross.

Teddy might be saving the food for a snack for later, but most people frown upon a man going around with food in his beard, it’s off-putting. I don’t want to get a smidgen of his food on my face when I kiss him, and I don’t want him looking silly in public.

When family members and close friends have said something to Teddy about the food in his beard he gets a bit offended. He tells people to go away and says, “It’s up to me what’s on my face.”

He has said I don’t support him publicly when this happens, but I think I do. I try not to be dismissive, and I’ve never shamed him in a group.

Telling him he has food on his face is a supportive measure. I try to do it subtly. People will judge him for not being able to wipe his mouth clean as a grown man.

Teddy can be pretty dismissive with me, too. At home, I’ve tried waiting until he finishes his meal to tell him. I think, “Is he going to wipe his face down?” But he goes around the house with food in his beard.

I’ve stopped telling him as much in the house, but our two kids now raise it when they see him with food on his face. I think they say it kindly.

It’s really difficult to have a conversation with someone when they’ve got stuff on their face and I’d like Teddy to reflect on that. In public, I could try to come up with a sign or a signal which may be less confrontational for him. But I’d like to see him practise getting food in his mouth, too.

The defence: Teddy

I’d much prefer a subtle nod or code word, rather than shaming

I don’t remember ever not having a beard. People think having one is easy, but there’s a lot involved keeping it in a good state.

I never travel to and from work with egg in my beard and I don’t eat eggs at work – no one should. But we could be at the most amazing place in the world, looking out to the sea on holiday in a nice restaurant or eating a lovely meal at home, and instead of being able to enjoy it, I just hear Annabel say: “You’ve got a bit of rice in your beard.” There’s a time and a place.

Annabel sometimes prompts too early and too harshly. I feel like I’m being defined as a person by the food on my face, rather than who I am as a whole human. It can feel belittling.

We all miss our mouth from time to time. I haven’t read the empirical studies, but I feel like bearded people are more likely to retain food on their face than others. It’s hard to coordinate every mouthful. I have an additional trap that may be more likely to retain some missed food, that those without a beard do not have.

Now our children, aged 12 and nine, are keen to point out when I have food in my beard. I’d like to talk to them about cricket, school or the wonders of life, but they’ve taken the mantle from their mother and just jump straight to finding fault with my beard. I just wipe it off, but I feel shame.

If I’m around the house and have food in my beard, does it matter? There’s also a difference between a harmless grain of rice minding its own business, and soup or egg.

I’m not saying that Annabel shouldn’t prompt me when I look silly, but her delivery needs some work. I want a discreet and subtle nod, or a code word that there’s something remiss, not public shaming. When that happens, I become upset and withdraw. I need time to recover.

I don’t like being compared with Mr Twit. I find it very triggering as I wasn’t allowed to read Roald Dahl books as a small child. I think code words in public could work, and more kindness in private.

The jury of Guardian readers

If you’ve got something on your face, the politest thing that someone can do is to tell you. Teddy needs to grow up, get a grip and stop being such a crybaby.
Dexter, 61

There’s an obvious answer here – Teddy should try shaving off his beard, or at least trimming it down, so it’s not such a rice-trap. Peace and quiet for all, and a new look for Teddy!
Jodie, 34

This case brings back fond but icky memories of reading The Twits to my kids – even in the comically grotesque world of Roald Dahl, the mouldy cornflakes and sardine tails tangled up in Mr Twit’s beard stand out as a really revolting vision. You never, ever want to be compared with him, Teddy.
Kennedy, 46

Why are people so squeamish about a bit of food on a man’s face? Teddy is right, a discreet nod is enough. It’s better to beat around the bush than be too direct.
Wyn, 63

It is sad if Teddy feels shamed, but I understand where Annabel is coming from. It must be impossible not to focus on food in his beard when you’re talking to him. And surely it is kinder to point it out than to leave him oblivious and open to ridicule.
Daisy, 46

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: is Annabel right to throw this in Teddy’s face?

The poll closes on Wednesday 1 July at 9am BST

Last week’s results

We asked if Spencer should stop letting his kids climb over the neighbour’s fence to get their ball back.

81% of you said yes – Spencer is guilty

19% of you said no – Spencer is not guilty